There are many misconceptions when it comes to OCD. When the majority of people think of OCD they instantly think of a person that always has an obsession with cleanliness. And for some people that may be the case, but for the majority of people who suffer from OCD that is far from what it means to them.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a common, chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over.
My obsession is walking in circles.
It is a pretty difficult for me to be sitting here and talking about this, but it has been one of the main reasons I have started this blog.
I want other people to learn from the things that I go through, have a better understanding when it comes to mental health, and encourage others to tell their story no matter what they go through, and how difficult it may be to talk about it.
So this post is the very beginning of me opening up about some of my deepest, darkest secrets.
This is also the beginning of me opening up about the troubled childhood and how everything has shaped me into the woman that I am today, and I couldn’t be more excited, anxious, and happy to finally feel comfortable enough to share these things with the world, because I know there are millions of others out there just like me and are looking for someone to tell them that life does get better and that there is hope.
Anyway, I don’t want to make this too emotional, so I’ll get to the point.
For as long as I can remember I have suffered from anxiety, but it wasn’t until I was in the fifth grade that my anxiety started to affect me in a way that it started to interfere with my daily life and how I functioned.
I was never a very popular kid, I was socially very awkward and quiet.
Don’t get me wrong, I had friends and stuff but there were always times that I just felt like I didn’t fit in and I would get picked on a lot. About what? I can’t really remember at that time, but it had just gotten to the point where I would much rather just be by my self (my middle school days were so horrible).
I had started experiencing chest pains, being faint, and just always feeling sad and wanting to cry all the time.
And one day, I was standing in my family’s empty dining room (we had just moved in and hadn’t had much furniture), listening to my Corbin Bleu CD with my walkman (wow who would have though I was old enough to know what that was lol) and I just started walking in a circle around the dining room.
And it was at that point that I actually started feeling at peace.
I felt as if I was just in my own little world.
I didn’t have to worry about kids teasing me, I didn’t have to worry about all the things going on in my home. I could just zone out and imagine that I had a different life. A normal one. A life that I felt was better, one where I wasn’t sad and unhappy all of the time.
It was a way for me to escape.
No panic attacks, no chest pains, no crying. It was just me, my music, and my thoughts.
Once I found this escape I didn’t want to do anything but that. At all times I had to be circling.
When I was at school, I would be filled with such anxiety because I was so uncomfortable. The entire time I was a school, all I could think about was getting home and circling. And the moment I got home, I was back at it in the dining room.
But this habit didn’t go unnoticed by my family members. They would question me and ask why I always did it and all I could tell them is that it made me feel better.
So from time to time, I would get teased my my siblings about it, my parents thought it was a bit weird, but they never discouraged it or anything, but it did upset me sometimes because people just didn’t understand.
I have a cousin that still brings it up every time I see him he just thinks it is one of the weirdest and funniest things ever.
For a long time I was really ashamed about it. I still feel embarrassed when people bring it up, but I know that deep down in my heart that if I hadn’t continue with the habit, I probably would’t be here today.
After about 4 years of me doing this, when my mom had taken me to the doctor to discuss my chest pains and tightness (it was getting worse), she mentioned it to the doctor and it was then that he said I was most likely suffering from Anxiety Disorder, Depressive Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
So I was put into counselling, I was put on medications like Xanax, Zoloft, Valium, and whatever (over a year or two not at the same time). And for a while I was taking the different kinds of medications to help with my problems and unfortunately, none of it worked and I just stopped taking them because they made me feel worse than I did in the beginning.
It wasn’t until I met my now fiance when I was 17 that things started to change for me.
We met at a park and we really just hit it off. We exchanged numbers, and talked all day everyday for a few weeks and then we started hanging out.
We loved going to parks, going to the movies, exploring the city, just having a ton of fun.
I was able to open up to him about what I was going through in life and he was there and supported me through everything and I was there for him through everything as well.
Once I graduated high school (he had graduated early), we were inseparable.
He showed me love that I never knew existed or had even saw (I’ll get deeper into what I mean about that later), and every day I fell deeper and deeper in love with him.
He showed me that there was much more to life than what I had knew and that true love really does exist. He even walked 4 hours to come see me one time because he was upset about something and told me that I was the only thing that could make him feel better.
It was at that moment that I knew that I would be with him forever.
We may have been young but he saved me in a way that he could never imagine.
I am putting so much emphases on him because he is the reason that I was able to come out of my depression and helped overcome my OCD.
When I was with him I felt safe, happy, and no anxiety what so ever so I didn’t feel that need to circle. To me I was finally living that life that I daydreamed about when I was circling so there was no need for it.
I feel like I am just rambling now and I’m sorry that it is so long, but I feel like this is the best way that I can describe this at the moment without getting into a whole world of other stuff that contributed to this obsession for me. This post would be an article if I did that.
With that being said thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope that you can all take something from this post and that in some way it can help someone.
I want you to all know that no matter what you go through, no matter what your situation may be, things do get better. It may take some time and sometimes it may take someone, but they do get better. So live your life, make the best of your situation, and just hang in there. Happiness exists and it will come!
Do you have any obsessive habits that you are working to break or have broken? Let me know down below and I’ll see you in my next one!