Many mothers experience Postpartum Depression after giving birth every year.
Those who suffer from PPD normally experience feeling empty, emotionless, and sad all or most of the time. In many instances, these feelings and emotions affect a woman’s ability to care for herself and her loved ones.
PPD can last days, weeks, months, and even years at a time.
I have personally suffered from PPD after both of my pregnancies.
Though I have a history of depression throughout my teen years, postpartum depression was a whole different ball game for me.
Being depressed as a teen was…I wouldn’t say easy, but just way different than being depressed as a mother and a fiancee.
As a teen, I didn’t have to worry about caring for others the way that I have to care for my family now. I didn’t have children, so I didn’t have to worry about the possibility of neglecting my children and partner the way I have to at this point in my life.
Other than that, there were many different things that I didn’t expect when it came to PPD.
Throughout my prenatal care, my doctors always told me that I should seek help if I started feeling depressed, had thoughts of harming my children, myself, or anyone else for long periods of time. And for the most part, that’s all that I ever heard.
They didn’t go into detail about anything else about it. Plus the fact that I have suffered from depression already, I didn’t think that it could get any worse than that.
So very soon after having my first daughter, life started to really, really suck.
My emotions were so intense.
Every emotion that I had was much more intense than ever before. If I was sad I was uber sad and would cry for days. If I was happy, I couldn’t stop laughing.
It was something that I just wasn’t expecting. I hated it because I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like a whole different person and as if I lost myself.
And because of my crazing emotions, it put my relationship with my fiance in a bad spot.
It wasn’t just me that could hardly handle my emotions, but my fiance too.
There was a point in our relationship were we argued every day for weeks. Sometimes we would go days without talking to one another. And it was on the verge of almost ending.
I wanted to give up on the relationship so many times because the arguing on top of my being depressed, on top of having to care for a newborn baby were all much more than I could handle.
It was hard for me to really explain my feelings in a way that I felt he could understand, and it was difficult for him to really say anything to me because I couldn’t take criticism well.
But he didn’t give up on me, and I thank God every day for my man. He may not understand me all the time, but he tries and still supports me through any and everything.
My anxiety ended up being 10 times worse.
I have suffered from anxiety for many years now, and it got really bad during my time experiencing PPD.
I’ve always suffered from panic attacks where I would hyperventilate, have chest pains, and get raging headaches since I was a kid.
A big bag of nerves is what I was. And if you have read my How I Lived With and Overcame My OCD post, then you would know that I also suffered from OCD and would walk in circles in order to help me feel better when I was anxious.
Well once I met my fiance, I had stopped with the circles, and hadn’t really felt the need to do so for a long time.
Welp that went right through the window for a while. But after some time, I started to work through my depression and was able to reel my anxiety in enough to stop with the circles, because I just didn’t have the time for that anymore once I had kids.
I wish I would have gotten help.
After denying it for months, I finally admitted to myself that I did in fact suffer from PPD. I felt like it was controlling me instead of me controlling it.
Something I wish I would have done was seek professional help. I was too afraid that something bad would happen, like my kids get taken away and a bunch of other crazy stuff.
I wasn’t educated about how the process would be once I decided to seek help, and I just didn’t want to risk it.
Never did I ever have thoughts of harming my kids so that wasn’t a concern for me, but I was just scared and confused about a lot of things at that point.
So what did I do?
There were a few ways I was able to work through my PPD. I did a lot of journaling. I am a huge advocate for journaling and this was one of my favorite ways to help me when it came to my emotions. It was just a great way for me to get all of my thoughts out and help me sleep better at night.
I talked to a person that I trusted. Sometimes all you may need is an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on, and my little sister was always a great support for me. She always knew what to say to make me feel better.
I read many self help and personal development books. I’m an avid reader and decided to get into books that could benefit me in some way. I also listened to audio books, which were a little more convenient at times considering I do have a family to take care of.
With all of that being said…
Postpartum Depression isn’t something I would wish on my worse enemy. I just wanted to share my experience and to kind of reflect on how far I have come.
Motherhood isn’t always easy, but I am lucky to just be able to just say that I am in a much better place in life these days.
Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you in my next one!